Keep in mind that this certainly will be updated with my own creative items, however I am at a point in my life where I don't necessarily have the time to be as Tumblr-fied as many have made a career, of sorts. Rest assured, I will take a full fledged wing over the possibilities here, and I promise this will become something.
Regardless of whether or not this is noticed, this will be the final post on my Tumblr. I’ve developed a better understanding of who I am and it’s simply the case that Tumblr has no positive relevance for me other than a lace to a final thread I cannot let go of. I realized I was going about this the wrong way, after all this time. Why am I not doing it the right way? Don’t worry, I’ll try my best to be as smart as I can, but it’s okay if it’s useless. It eases my heart when I can at least accept I’ve tried and thought of something more than I would have been courageous enough to do before. Why was there ever fear? I wish I could say, but I will at least give one last directory before my final goodbye, and even if Tumblr will become useless afterwards, it doesn’t mean what was always wanted won’t come to suggestion. Yes, I would love Skype, Snapchat, Instagram, anything at all to show I am human and I desired a long never ending friendship. But let me show I’m going to try; and correctly. Even if it’s irrelevant and unanswered, perhaps a final judgement, even if I am unknowing to the result, will show something better, something worth a nod or a smile to. Whatever the case, thank you. Thank you for several years of pondering and a build up of self esteem. This is a bid goodbye, and an ode to a better tomorrow.
Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old.
In reference to never using the word
‘very’ when writing, Mark Twain said,
“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re
inclined to write ‘very’; Your editor
will delete it and the writing will be
just as it should be.” Source
God damn I miss you. I had a dream last night where things were able to get fixed, I was able to find you and tell you all about how sorry I’ve felt and how I wish I would’ve been better to join your future. I know that type of thing is probably weird and it’d be smarter to keep it in and not say, but shit, I can’t help but say exactly how much it hurts that so much time has gone and I haven’t been able to fix things.
You’ve no idea how much I’ve altered my heart and want to do exactly as I failed to desire before, now feeling eager to do what’s right and enjoy what I’d never shared with such a close friend. I don’t even know if you’ll ever read this, and I fear the more I can’t hold it in the more I just annoy you and make you think I was a grave mistake. I know you already forgave me but I feel like things would have become greater after that, that we’d really have made up and I wouldn’t have gone so long to lose you. I’m the type of person more than happy to rekindle an old relationship, and I feel like you’d be the same, but I have no idea if I’ve earned that, if I even deserve it.
I feel gross. I feel lonely. I remember how many smiles and laughs and close connections we shared and I can easily say I’ve NEVER been able to have something like that, neither before nor since I lost you. Fuck, I’d never have imagined losing such an important person in my life and I’ve never felt like such a failure, such a crock of shit. I know the more I cry and bitch on these little vents the less I actually appear to have made progress, but..I don’t know. Part of me just wants to sacrifice everything, find a way to just..travel, to make my dream a reality where I would embarrass myself as much as I had to to tell the world how dumb and young I was. All over I find myself repeating and hoping people see “I want you to see I’ve changed, I want you to know I’ve improved, I want you to believe I’m the friend you wanted me to be.”
I miss the jokes, the silliness, the random dumb fun, playing around with things that made the world so hard to seem evil when we were capable of speaking such laughable stories to one another. I know you’ve grown as well. Even with the fun, I knew you were mature, bright, ready for moving to big things and establishing dreams. Dammit, I want so bad to be at your side, enjoying my life with the couple years left of my youth before I become a full adult and likely miss ever making great friends like you again. I truly don’t believe I can find someone like you to be such a close friend of mine and it seems like adulthood has already played heavily on my lover, making it hard for him to be as close as you and I could speak.
Hell, there I go assuming it’d even be possible. That I would be able to do it and that I’d get that chance. Again, I don’t even know if you read these or know that these are actually me speaking instead of just a dumb Tumblr repost that says nothing about me, nothing about where I’ve gone, nothing about how much I miss you.. I write this but am terrified to be thought of as a creep, or like I’m just..I don’t want you to think I’m weird or that this message is too sloppy and makes me appear disturbing than upset and missing a great friend. I feel like you’re still a beautiful fun smile of life that can see the gentle purity in every being, but I generally have that shortcoming to assume I’m fucking up somehow. God, I’d do anything to get the chance to get you back and have our friendship again. I truly don’t feel like I’m ever going to get someone as incredible in my life as you again and it’s so much worse than a death. This is my first true fuck up and it’s all I know to talk about because it’s what’s clouded my mind for these last two years. We just seemed to click so damn fast and it felt so natural and like it was meant to be for us to be such wonderful friends, hell, we were more than that. Maybe I forced you into it, I don’t know, I really hope I didn’t. I want to explain it, to say that it was because I was lonely or insecure or some sexual deviant child who was grasping naughty ideas to feel excitement to, but I really don’t want you to believe it was ever my intention to hurt you or be perverted. I know that wasn’t the problem either, it was purely my shyness, but I swear to you that I’d be there every day in person if I could to show I’m not the shy little idiot I was before.
And I don’t know if I write all of this as another plea for reuniting or not. Maybe I just write this to clear my mind, or maybe I write it because I dream you’ll see it and remember our good times. They were so, so good, and I’ve definitely learned from my shortcomings. It seems like I tell any of the potential new friends I could get across that I made the mistake I did, and it’d be wrong to ever follow those footsteps, but they might not even get it. I don’t know.
I still love you girl. I don’t know if you’ll ever see or read this, but if any chance you did, thank you for giving me your time at least once more. I will leave you alone and shut up for good if that’s what you really want, but fuck is it true I want to do the opposite and shout how much I’ve missed you and give you the biggest damn hug and probably cry about how sorry I am. I really should write a damn poem or story or something to explain my emotions better because maybe it’d convey my impact and display how guilty I feel. Maybe you get it and I’ve just blown it and it doesn’t even matter. I swear my world sank when you deactivated your account because that’s how I knew I might never speak to you again. But fuck I really don’t want that, I want to speak to you almost always like we did before and always be able to say things and laugh and smile and not give a fuck about the world. I felt like I could be a kid and laugh but also mature and make serious yet fun conversations.
J, I’ll leave it at that so no one could track it but hopefully you, I miss you. I won’t refer to you in whole name here because I don’t want anyone to look for you or annoy you. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. It’s not like it would, I think only a couple stupid porn blogs follow this account for whatever fucking reason, but whatever. I hope I’m careful and chose my words carefully through this. My heart beats heavily because I’m scared to truly never speak with you again, to never be able to share a friendship with you, but I know that I have to at least try because just wallowing about it on my own does nothing to fix it. Hell, maybe it’s too late and what I’m doing now should have been done a long time ago, but I just don’t fucking know.. All I want is to fix it. I dread hearing that it isn’t possible, that it’s stretched too far and I have to move on, but if that’s really the way it has to be then I can be respectful and just hope that your days are happy. I could and would keep writing more but I find myself drained of energy and wanting nothing more than to shut my eyes and sleep to avoid any crying. Maybe I look like a little bitch or a freak creeper for that, but I just can’t explain any better how meaningful our friendship was and how much it fuckin’ sucks that I blew it. God I’d do anything for you J, I would, I swear, and you bet I’d be on top this time.
Please, if anything, I would love to just know that you’re happy and safe. With what you told me before we departed, it seemed like you had everything in control and you were able to move on and probably start a fantastic future. Maybe I can see myself in a good point as well now, but all I truly want is to embrace some of the interests you had so we can be closer than ever, and dammit not in a creepy way, me getting mad at myself for not phrasing this in the best words possible. I hope you know I only mean well and don’t want to disturb you. God, I love you girl, you were the best fucking friend I ever had, and I’ll say it again and again and again because it’s so damn true. And I’m cursing at myself, not you, I’m sorry, it’s again the issue with emphasizing points but probably not in the best method.
Regardless, I guess..even if you choose not to respond, but at least see this, I really, really hope that you’re happy and have a comfortable life with great friends and nothing to hold you back. Please have a good night and never lose hope on your dreams, because yours were so defined and beautiful.
I’ve found it. The epitome of terrible ally culture. This is it. Jokes on them, they were using water cannons to break up a pride parade but lol they made rainbows!! A victory for The Gays, what do you mean state-sanctioned violence and police brutality? It’s symbolic!
